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There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.