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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.