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I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!