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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.