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Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.