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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.