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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.