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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.