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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.