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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...