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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.