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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.