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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
Chip clips are for quitters.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.