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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..