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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"