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Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem