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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.