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Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.