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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?