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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.