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See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
This post is just for you.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.