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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.