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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
why do i feel like you are reading this
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.