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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!