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If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.