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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..