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My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Ride me like you stole me.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.