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Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
How`d this get posted?
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.