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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people