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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"