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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Iām not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.