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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
is ready to have one too many!