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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.