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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
life is too short to match socks
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day