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No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.