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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I say the things better left unsaid.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!