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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.