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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.