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The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.