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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.