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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".