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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now Iām drunk.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.