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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.