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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted