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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday