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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.