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A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time