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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.