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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?