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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
Iām sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.