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Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Do you really have to breath that much?