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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman