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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.