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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.