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The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list