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I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.