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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.