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I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted