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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.