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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich