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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
is accepting applications. Needed someone to keep me from doing dumb stuff. See previous post.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.