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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.