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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...