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...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.