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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?