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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.