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Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.