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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"