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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.