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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.