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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.