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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...