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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!