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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.