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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels