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Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.