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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...