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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…